My Story - The unreal real
Oh Life of Ram.. what happened to thou?
The paliperidone has now hit its sweet spot and as I regain my footing in the new reality of my life, I hope that the posts will be more similar to My pursuits 1&2 on tamilbrahmins.com as I take you through the roller coaster that has been my life through my eyes.
After searching for 37 years, I thought I had finally found her. It was not that much of detective work in the end. It was as simple as going back to school and asking for a name in the register. This followed by a google search showed me her photos as she was today. And I wrote my first full fledged love letter.. actually I wrote that in college but that was more out of pun than reality and we had all laughed at it and I am sure so did the girl who got it. But this was real. Very real.
I had happily told my cousin and a select few that I had finally found my first crush.. gleefully infact. Heyy.. semma da.. they had all said and almost always the conversation went in the direction of their first crush also and what had eventually happened.
Something told me that she might not yet be married. There were no photos of a couple or a married family and when I sent a message on linkedin and facebook, the first thing that happened was that the photos were taken down. I realised that she had probably thought no less of me than the average skirt-chaser. So I had to kind of communicate right? That she was wrong?
And I wrote the first message to her on facebook around the end of 2018..
Hello Meenakshi,
I do not believe you remember me. But I am venkatakrishnan who studied with you in 7th standard in angappa. I am a brahmin so I had a orange line which I drew on my forehead everyday. Maybe that jogs your memory?? Not sure. I thought I could somehow meet you in person to share this but I guess that is not going to happen now. You were the very first girl that I was attracted to. Even before my harmones started and even before I had my first pimple, I had been dumbstruck by you. Whenever I tried to talk to you, my heart would pound away inside me. But I did manage to appear normal on the outside. I did try to ask you where you were going to when your father got transferred but you would not tell. I came to know from others that you had a relative in triplicane or were going to triplicane or something like that. I was also from triplicane and roamed the streets to see if I can find you when I returned to madras. But I could not. Slowly, my harmones started and I was attracted to just about every female with a chest. But I always remembered you and always tried to find you. Even when i was doing MS in USA, I was searching online for you. But I knew you only as V.Meenakshi and I did not have your last name. Finally I found you online after I learnt that your last name was V********. My heart still pounds when I think of you. But that is not the reason I am messaging you now. I am not in any position to profess my love for anyone or marry anyone. I have developed schizophrenia and its now 10 years. I have also spent a lot of time in a mental institution because of this. Its been a difficult 10 years. Its a genetic mental illness which cannot be cured and If I marry and have kids, then chances that they will have the same illness is very high. So I dont want to have kids or marry someone only to lie to them that I will be with them all their life. Truth is my medicines will work only till I am about 65. After that the medicines will fail to have an impact and I will be permanently insane. I intend to euthanize myself before that.. I am saving up for that. Heard that Switzerland is the best place. I am not saying all this to earn your pity. Thats the last thing I want. I am actually well off inspite of my illness, I am working as a manager in embedded systems and earning about a lakh rupees per month. I am also stable and not insane because of daily medicines that I take. So all in all I am quite good and well off .. if I say so myself. All I want is to know that you are also settled and happy. It will mean a lot if you could communicate with me somehow. That would make me very very happy. I noticed that you had taken down your photos online and also increased your privacy settings immediately after I first messaged you. I am sorry if I came across as a stalker. I did not mean to. I really dont want your love.. its too late for that.. Too many things have happened and I am too old now. I guess you are as old as I am so maybe you understand that I am not interested in singing duets with you anymore. But as I said, it would make me very very happy if you could email me or reply to me once in a while. PLease share what has been happening with you.. It would definitely make my life happy.
There was obviously no reply.. what was I thinking?? The song in Dil se..? Manisha koirala running down a bridge to hug sharukh in a flowing raincoat? Huh.. Well clearly that was not going to happen.
But this had happened after the movie 96 was released. Quite a hit it was. I really thought it would be correct to compare my life to the movie 96 and the intro song “The life of Ram” except that my story was a one-sided love story. And that kind of sucks.
But lets kind of fast-forward to reality..
Here I am, I know I am not schizophrenic, dont know why people around me want me to be so, and my mind is bent out of shape with it being full of psychotic medication to make me loose realisation of the apparent attention to my simple old life. I thought I knew what was happening when I first messaged Meenakshi, but now I dont know. Its 12 midnight now on June 3rd As I go about trying to remove the latest 5-10 ppl on my friends list that I dont know on facebook, Even the simple guileless job agent in Job Prospects seems a prospective spy. A person who was simply Fareed is now making me wonder when I look at his email and I realise that I could be emailing a woman called Fareeda. And when I go out, nothing but the most beautiful women (and men??) seem to cross my path.. even on the humble public transport of victoria in Melbourne.
And so, the song “Life of Ram” in 96 has suddenly morphed to “Swag se karenge sab ka swagat” in Tiger Zinda hai. Taking a peek into my older posts should put things in perspective.
Perspective...
I too am seeking that at this time.
For now..
The song - Swag se Swagat..
The in-swinger – To stop me or To not stop me
The way I see it, I win both ways.
Saavdhaan or Beware
It is said that as the Mahabharatha war progressed, every day, yet another rules of war or rules of active military engagement was lost. This was a signifier for the coming days of Kali yuga when no rules would be considered sacred.
But for me, a person who grew up listening to these stories, the thought of telling your enemy – Saavdhan or Beware, before you attacked him personally are extremely awe-inspiring to say the least. I too want to be of that calibre and courage to actually tell my foes, no matter how formidable, that look – I am going to come after you. This is why I wanted the next and forthcoming generations to read about the itihasa – puranas at a tender age itself. So that they too can be valiant and not cowering before the eventual might of the wrong-doers. This is why mythili initiative came to be.
Irrespective, it has now come to a point where I have to decide how to first provide an environment where the initiative can survive. There is no use planting a seed in acidic sands. And the americans have ensured an unstable environment for any practical growth of human society. Therefore, I find it unfortunate that fighting the americans has taken precedence over my mythili initiative which has to now occupy the back seat. Thus, my steps thus far today. Unfortunately, it is now the time for the americans and I cannot do anything about it. Only, I can try to hasten the arrival of their demise which is irrevocable to anything that has a starting point in this universe. I believe that my inexplicable removal from the scene will cause a vacuum resulting in the crashing down of the entire american architecture. Just like pushing an already taut rubber band just a wee bit further and causing it to snap resulting in a recoil that will obviously hurt the hand that pulled taut the rubber band in the first place. I can sense that our society is already at the brink of impatience with the morbid dance of american culture. All it needs is but a push, a gentle stumble.. and..
Thus Dignitas has come into the picture. On June 10th I will ask the psychiatrist to give me an indepth medical report based on what he is seeing today. My medical report from Oct 16th 2019 will form one of the recent reports and the report from my indian doctor which is in my home will form the second required report of the two reports. And the life report will be what I have posted on Tamilbrahmins.com. I believe I also need to have one or two consultations with the doctor in zurich. Therefore, I will not be going to India but I will be going to Zurich from Melbourne, via california SFO. Maybe I will ask for a long layover in SFO and because of my Australian PR, maybe I can get a 24 hour visa?? I would love that. I will definitely use it to go to.. nope.. not formfactor but to the Livermore Hindu temple, to see Venkatachalapathy there. He is a great guy you know? I only asked him to reunite me with my family and boom! He sent me back to triplicane.
And yes..
Do not stop me. Unless, that is, I am going to see George Bush Junior, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld being hanged the next day.
Only yesterday I was having paruppu rice with side dish and sambar. I was trying to listen to 96 songs when having my dinner and as I finished, I ended up hearing the advertisement on youtube going.. “I had the weirdest taste when I was pregnant..”
Enga.. lets see if I can listen to that advertisement again..
lol.
Dont worry, it will not add to the Saavdhaan plan I stated above.. hmm.. or will it? You be the judge ma.
**wink wink**
I have decided to sign my resignation letter and have also clearly stated what I intend to do with my resignation. I feel that I am thus following folklore of the past.. of the valiant few who stood against the mighty many.. and saying out loud..
Saavdhaan.
And in keeping with my style of including a indian masala situation song..
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